Tuesday, July 12, 2011

3 Batrep: A Kult of Mek Adventure

Every BigMek gets his Day!!! 
A 1000pt Kult of Mek Adventure Staring BigMek Skrew Skull

Things were looking up for the newly promoted Death Skull, BigMek Skrew Skullz. Sure he had a large skrew imbeded in his skull but that was what made him different from the other Meks. Ever since his freak accident with that Deff Dread and the skrew getting logged in his skull he was able to think a hell of lot clearer. In fact it was as if someone else was inside his head. His ability to out think bigger and stronger Orks is why da Boss BigMek GearGrot, formerly of "Da Immitators", promoted him to be his second in command. BigMek GearGrot had out grown his old clan and had just recently started his own, The Kult of MeK, all on the account that his kustom force field, an eldar command array, told him to. Today was going to be The Kult of Mek's first outting and it would be a patrol led by BigMek Skrew Skull himself. BigMek Skrew Skull wanted to prove his worth to his Boss and wisely chose a well rounded patrol so he would be prepared to fight anything:

01/ BigMek "Skrew Skull", yes he picked himself: MegaArmour, Cybork Body, Burna, Attack Squig and; a Boss pole;
02/ Burna Boyz "Da Blue Angels" x 8: Dey ride in the Looted Wagon;
03/ Grots "Da Skavengers" x 11 and; a Slaver;
04/ Shoota Boyz x 11: Nob with PK/BP and; a Trukk with a Rokkit Launcha;
05/ Shoota Boyz x 11: Nob with PK/BP and; a Trukk with a Rokkit Launcha;
06/ Slugga Boyz "Da Blue Meanies" x 20: Nob with Pk/BP and; Dey ride in the Battlewagon;
07/ DeffKopta "Blue Whale One": TL Rokkit Launcha;
08/ DeffKopta "Blue Bird Zero": TL Rokkit Launcha;
09/ Battle Wagon "Da Paint Rolla": Deff Rolla and a Kannon; and
10/ Looted Wagon "Da BBQ": Skorcha.

"Dis is Blue Whale One to BigMek Skrew Skull over?"

"Blue Whale One you best get your head out of your squig and tell me what you have or I will over you with my power klaw."

"Blue Whale One, I have spotted a small Tau cardre headed your way. They appears to know where you are and have the following units:"

01/ Crisis Suit Commadar x 1: Plasma Rifle, Missile Pods, Target array and FNP injector;
02/ Crisis Suit x 1: Missile Pods x 2;
03/ Cirisis Suit x 1: Plasma Rifle and Missile Pod;
04/ Fire Warriors x 12: Pulse Rifles and Bonded;
05/ Fire Warriors x 12: Pulse Rifles and Bonded;
06/ Fire Warriors x 12: Pulse Carbines and Bonded;
07/ Pathfinders x 5: Marker Lights x 5 and; Devil Fish
08/ Sniper Drone Team: Controller x 1 and; Drones x 3; and
09/ Broadside x 1.

"Ok Blue Whale One you hold there till Me and my patrol gets to your location, no fly boy antics in the mean time either. Looks like we are going to ANNIHILATE these gits cause we're THE KULT OF MEK AND WE'VE COME TO WREK!!!, so fall in a SPEARHEAD formation if ya want to eat some Blue Skinned Gits for lunch...."

As the orks rolled forward with a large dust cloud in tow that conceal their team of skavaging gots the right shoota boy trukk was covered in tiny little red dots. The Ork driver tried to use his windsheild wippers to whipe them off but they just wouldn't go away. A fraction of a second later a Broadside railgun and several Pulse Rifles torn into the armour of the Trukks leaving it immoblized and without its rokkit launcha. Da two DeffKopta pilots served all around the battlefield as fast they could go in an attempt to distract all three crisis suits. Blue Whale One was rewarded with a wound to his right arm for his brave stupidity.

Once again dem pesky red dots found a home on the second trukk but Gork and Mork were smiling on them as their trukk went KERRUNCH instead of exploded like it should of. The shootaboyz hoped out as if nothing had even happened to their trukk except for one boy who received a pulse rifle round to the head. Since both Gork and Mork were too busy looking after the shoota boyz trukk Skrew Skullz looted wagon was rewarded with busted track and a broken skorcha compliments of the sniper drone team. "I knew I should of spent the extra teeth and got meself GROTSTAR but nooo BigMek GearGrot said it was a waste of teeth!!!"

The Grots scamper out of the Dust cloud to south and head straight for an out crop of rocks to watch the battle not to meantion hide behind. The Slaver fires his pistol to try and bolster his grots into fighting and luck would have it that his slugga found its mark in the guts of a Fire Warrior.
"We're rarely disrespected, We got all the time that we need to kill, What's the time? - its time to get ill!!!" With those inspiring word from Skrew Skull himself The Kult of Mek launched a coordinated assualt. Leading the way was Skrew Skull and Da Blue Angels who BBQ'd one times Crisis suit, while the Battlewagon steam rolled the other Crisis suit. The Slugga Boyz inside poured out of their ride and stompped 11 Fire Warrior skulls inside out. Regretfully one them remain steadfest but that just left the Nob with a big grin on his face since the Tau would light them up till ever last Tau they were fighting with were dead. The forward most Shoota Boy squad and one of the Deffkoptas humilated the Crisis Suit Commader as they smashed his skull to tiny bits without even a scratch to a single boy. The other Deathkopta swooped in like a bat out of hell and turn one of the Sniper Drones into a lump of meatloaf. Wasting no time at all he killed one more of them and sent the squad running for their homeworld. "Dats da way we do it boyz, show dem Blue Skinned Gits who we are!!!"

Unfortunately for the Shoota Boyz who trukk was the first to get hit, they wond up on the receiving end of a Devil Fish and its payload of Pulse Carbine wielding Fire Warriors. The Nob was forced to keep the 5 remaining boyz in his squad from being pinned three times but had to execute one them in order to reassert control over his squad. Once he was back in charge again they rushed forward towards the Blue Skinned Gits that had just killed half his squad. The Slaver and his Grots clammer over the rocks and lent their feeble little blades to the shootas in their close combat endevour. The grots provided an excellent diversion who actually manage to claw down three FW while the Shoota Boyz killed the rest.

The Tau units began to pull back and cut their losses which included their last Fire Warrior squad. As the pathfinders made their way to their Devil Fishthe Broadside's railgun hit the Battlewagon's extra large gas tank. KABOOOM!!! Shrapnel and debree scatter across the battlefield and one unlucky Slugga Boy was decapitated from the steering wheel. The explosion provided the remaining Tau with an excellent distraction in which to escape The Kult of Mek's cluches.

"Start rounding up any piece of scrap metal that can be found and you DeffKopta Pilots better get these trukks in working order or I will smash the both of ya into rear end of that dead grot over der!" We are working for the weekend!!! and times a wasting boyz."

Final Outcome: Orks: 7 Tau: 2
Ork MVP: The shoota boyz Nob who passed three pinning checks, only to fail his moral check but then regain control by excutting one of his boyz with his Bosspole.
Tau MVP: The Broadside since it was the only unit to cause any real damage. It blew up both trukks and the battlewagon


  1. I like the narrative style of this report; it's both clear and entertaining -very clever.

  2. I pulled the orks out as they make for a killer battle rep. Humour is something you do not get to see in moat battle reps despite it being refreshing. The one thing I wish I could do is draw though so I could turn it into q graphic novel. Glad you are enjoying my battle reps.

  3. Da Waaagh Wins! Cuz we da killiest!

    Nice narrative Batrep and congrats on the solid Ork victory!